Category: Social anxiety

This is Not a Review

I recently read DJ Kirkby’s memoir From Zaftig to Aspie. It is no longer available to buy. The reason for that is the same as the only thing I disliked about the book – the mistakes. So I’m not going to write a review. I’ll just mention the things that stuck out, for me.

I was expecting more about what it’s like to have Asperger’s syndrome. There was certainly something of that, but a lot more about DJ’s unusual upbringing. I wasn’t disappointed, just surprised.

After describing her first smoke, DJ writes, “Thus began a love affair which was to continue for the next twenty years and that still tries to lure me into its poisonous rapture eight years after the last puff left my lungs.” I’ve never smoked, but I think that’s pretty normal. People who enjoy smoking don’t usually grow to hate cigarettes after they give up the habit. Their craving is always there in the background.

That reminds me of a BBC article about stammering that I read recently. In it, a successful headmaster who used to stammer says, “I don’t think any stammerer ever loses the fear.”

I think that’s a very interesting statement, not least because I think the same is true of social anxiety. In my view, no one is ever completely cured of social anxiety. Certainly, people I’ve met who claim they no longer suffer from the disorder don’t appear that way to me. Some so-called former sufferers might learn to present a confident façade, but the thoughts associated with social anxiety never go away. I don’t see that as a loser’s attitude. On the contrary. It means I don’t have to perform the seemingly impossible feat of crushing those anxiety-inducing thoughts. I have to “feel the fear and do it anyway,” to say what I have to say despite the thoughts.

The other thing that struck me in From Zaftig to Aspie was the similarities between Asperger’s and social anxiety. Despite the obvious difference – that people with Asperger’s often fail to understand the feelings of others, while those with social anxiety take too much notice of them – there are some similar consequences: a lack of communication skills, difficulties in recognising faces.

So this memoir has caused me to reflect on various issues. I might write more about those issues in future posts.

Tags Asperger's syndrome, DJ Kirkby, smoking, stammering

Books Social anxiety

Open Letter to Publishers/Agents

Post author By Miriam Drori
Post date Jan 19, 2011
3 Comments on Open Letter to Publishers/Agents

Recently, certain bloggers have been writing about factors that could cause an author’s writing to be rejected by publishers or agents, although these factors shouldn’t really count at all. Catdownunder wrote about age and location after being told by a publisher that her age and location would prevent her from ever being published. Nicola Morgan wrote a very sensible response to that, in which she said that while the publisher was not correct, age and unavailability could make publication harder. Both of these posts attracted many comments, most of which disagreed vehemently with the publisher, while some cautiously mentioned that, actually, there was a little truth in what he said. Then Catherine Hughes discussed a comment on another blog that asserted that “disabled people are – to an employer (a publisher, in fact) at least – a potential embarrassment, and should stand aside and allow those capable of doing all aspects of a job without difficulty to go ahead and do so.”

Since certain similar factors apply to me, and I have no wish to hide them, I decided to address them in an open letter to anyone who is wondering whether I’m worth publishing. The letter follows. At a later stage, I might post it on a separate page of this blog.

***

Dear Publisher, Agent and anyone else who’s interested,

There are many reasons why I am a good person to work with:

I know I’m not perfect and neither is my writing. I know there’s always room for improvement, and so I would be happy to work with anyone to improve it.
My time is no longer occupied by small children and I am prepared to spend a lot of time creating the best book I can.
My experience as a technical writer has taught me the skills of gathering, organising and presenting information in a clear and logical manner.
My command of grammar is excellent (so I’ve been told). When I break the rules, I do it intentionally and not out of ignorance.

Just in case you think there are any factors that might weigh against me in my quest to be published, I want to put your mind at rest by discussing each of the possibilities:

Age. It’s hard for me to believe it, but it seems I’m 57. I don’t have any aches or pains and feel no different from the way I felt at 20 – physically. Mentally, I feel much better. It’s taken me this long to understand some of the complexities of life, enabling me to write what I would never have dared to write earlier. Oh, and my mother is 98.
Location. I don’t live in the country where I hope to be published. But I have family and friends there and often visit it. I’m also active online, where location is irrelevant.
Social anxiety. As I’ve said many times on this blog, social anxiety isn’t shyness – not in my case, anyway. I’ve never shied away from attending events, and I actually enjoy giving presentations. If I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t be able to write about it from the perspective of someone who has it.

Now that I’ve clarified those points, and if you like my writing, I hope we can talk, meet, sign and work together.

Social anxiety

You Can’t See Me

This post was inspired by Catherine Hughes. It took great courage for her to post about all the things that people don’t see.

Like Catherine, but for very different reasons, I feel invisible. People look at me and see a normal person. They don’t realise what’s going on inside me. They may not notice anything at all in that first conversation. They certainly can’t hear what the voice in my head keeps repeating while the conversation is going on and after it: “It won’t be long before she realises that you’re not worth talking to, before she jumps to incorrect conclusions and moves on to lusher pastures.”

What are those conclusions? Mostly that I don’t want to talk. That I’m happy to remain on the side lines rather than joining in. That I’m shy.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I love to talk, even though it’s hard. I love to be the centre of attention. And I’m not shy. No matter how “obvious” that seems to everyone, I’m not, believe me.

Erika, according to a recent Facebook status, is a “lonely, handicapped prisoner”. That’s because she broke her ankle and has been forced to stay at home for six weeks. I commented, “Then you know how I feel all the time,” even though I hadn’t broken anything. Why?

I feel lonely because I like company. I’ve always liked company. Yet mostly, I push that company away because I’m sure it doesn’t really want me.

I feel handicapped because I struggle to do something that most people take for granted. The words come out wrong or not at all. My thoughts can’t escape my head.

I feel like a prisoner locked inside invisible walls that I built in no time and have been trying to knock down for ever.

My main worry, when I’m with other people, is that they’ll think I’m weird. So I do anything to avoid that, including keeping quiet rather than saying something they might be surprised at. But keeping quiet is also weird behaviour, so I’m under constant pressure to talk and that makes my mind go blank and then they think I’m stupid – or I think they do.

I know I’m not capable of explaining this in a conversation. Even when I write it, I worry that people won’t understand, that they’ll think I should be able to snap out of it. Sometimes, even I wonder why I don’t manage to do that, and I live with it.

Catherine put it so well, here: “I hide in plain sight. You can see me, but you cannot see within me. You do not know what effort or courage it has taken me to set foot in the outside world; you cannot discern how I feel.”

Many things in my life are good. I’m not trying to deny how lucky I’ve been. I just wish I could solve this problem, which bugs me no end.

Tags being invisible, handicapped, lonely, prisoner, shy

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