Author, editor, attempter of this thing called life. Social anxiety warrior. Re-Connections, a collection of short stories, published with Ocelot Press, 15/10/2025.
DO NOT under any circumstances enter Nicola Morgan’s Hotel Chocolat Halloween Competition. I have submitted my two entries and I intend to win, so make sure you don’t click that link and, even if you do, don’t send any entries of your own.
Not that I can actually win the chocolate *sob*, because I’m not in the UK, but I can nominate someone who is and will love me forever more.
Remember: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
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The voice in my head shouts out loud,
But its sound isnāt heard by the rest of the crowd.
The voice in my head speaks in no tongue,
And yet its caustic words have stung.
The voice in my head says Iām stupid and dumb.
The voice in my head says I interest no one.
I try to tell it itās got it all wrong,
But the voice in my head just sounds the gong.
āGo back,ā it says, āand hide away.
Nobody wants to hear you today.ā
Is it fear? Worry? Does it make you think of spiders? Constant worry over trivial matters? Or do you think itās a lame excuse for people who are too lazy to get on with their lives?
I was amazed when I first saw it applied to me. What, me? Anxiety? No way! Iām not afraid of spiders, or flying. Not even of performing in front of an audience. I donāt worry that a disaster has befallen my loved ones when they still havenāt returned home.
The reason for my immediate denial of any connection with anxiety was probably the negative image of people who suffer from anxiety. Theyāre thought of as scaredy-cats, better to keep away from. It took me a while to accept that the word could apply to me, much longer to stop blaming myself for having ācausedā a connection between myself and that dreaded word.
The fact is that anxiety is not something felt by a few people. Itās also not a term conjured up by the pharmaceutical companies to make money selling pills. Anxiety probably affects a lot more people than anyone realises. Thatās because many are too afraid of being stigmatized to let on. And because many sufferers donāt even know they have it.
And people who have it are not cowards. In fact, those who are dealing with their problems are very brave to start and persist with a probably long and difficult process.
Somehow, the negative view of anxiety and those affected by it has to be turned around. Too many people are being ignored when they need help. Too many people are suffering needlessly. Thatās why I need to explain. I just donāt know if anyone understands….
I was never good at keeping things in. I did it too much and ended up hiding my personality ā even to myself. Even this blog has been suffering from that disease. So now, all is revealed (well, maybe not quite all) in my guest post on place and writing that the lovely Tania Hershman kindly agreed to host on her blog.
Now that itās all out, I need to add to my About Me page. In the meantime, I will say this: even though I live where I live, I will never intentionally blog about politics. Many people do this, some exceptionally well. I have another mission.
What, both? How is that possible? If it toughens you, doesnāt that set you up for life rather than ruining it for you? Well, yes. Thatās probably true. The fact is that bullying doesnāt affect everyone in the same way and thatās probably because of the different ways we react to it.
So if a group of other children laugh at you and say, āYouāve got your shirt on inside out,ā do you say, āThatās OK, I like it that way.ā? Do you cry? Or do you keep quiet? I chose the third way, keeping my feelings locked inside and making them think I didnāt have any.
When people have said that they were also bullied and the experience made them stronger, I used to blame myself. I thought it must be my fault that it didnāt have that effect on me. Ā Now I think: Good for you! But how does that relate to me? How could I have known, as a child, that I should have reacted in a different way?
All roads lead to Rome, and, no matter which I follow,Ā I always come to the same conclusion: itās up to adults to provide guidance. Parents, teachers, whoever comes into contact with the child. Because children are not mature enough to understand the consequences of their actions.Ā
PSĀ My life wasn’t ruinedĀ ā just spoilt.
Yes, I know. I started something last time and I have to finish it. But in the
meantime….
Facebook quizzes. A bit of fun. You answer the questions, publish the result with some witty comment and might spark a few replies.
So my Facebook friend, Kim, took the quiz: āWhat mental disorder are you?ā and got the result: ākleptomania.ā She thought that was funny and so did I. I liked the alliteration, too. So I took the quiz and got:
Miriam completed the quiz “What mental disorder are you?” with the result Social Anxiety Disorder.
You do not like being with people. They make you nervous. It is much easier to relate to them on Facebook, where you can stalk them without them seeing you.
Somehow, I didnāt find that funny, so I didnāt post it on Facebook. Most of it is too true. But, I do like being with people. And I donāt stalk people. Or do I? Maybe, if I donāt say anything it seems that way. Itās not what I intend, but could be how it appears.
Which leads to a lot of questions. Do you like Facebook quizzes? Do you take jokes too seriously? Do I stalk you? What mental disorder are you? And more….
Help! I’m standing on the edge and afraid to take the plunge. And that’s because I can’t see what I would jump into. Is the water rough or calm? Maybe there’s no water at all and diving in would be my downfall.
Maybe I should stop playing with metaphors and come to a decision. The problem is twofold:
Outside in
If people who only know me virtually get to knowĀ me from theĀ outside – where I live, who I live with, what I do – will they still want to know me? I want to reach everyone, and especially anyone I can help. I wouldn’t want to put anyone off by bringing my outside in.
Inside out
If people who only know me from the outside get to know my inside – my thoughts and how they impact on my behaviour – will they dismiss me as a weirdo? I don’t want to put them off either.
But I spent my childhood keeping the secrets I was told to keep. I don’t want secrets of my own. And I’ve spent my life longing to be understood. I can’t be understood if I don’t explain.Ā I know that if my novel is published … when my novel is published … the publishing of my novel would/will make this happen anyway, but do I want it now? Isn’t it happening anyway, willy nilly? Is my only questionĀ whether toĀ speed upĀ the process?
Others have done it. Why not me?
Help!
Touch a computer,
Become a tutor,
Lose weight,
Smash a plate,
Go to a dance,
Take a chance,
Climb the Eiger,
See a tiger,
Live in a hovel,
Write a novel,
Or even a short story, a flash or a twenty-five worder,
Or a rhyme that sticks to rhythm or order.
But I did have a great time. And I thought a bit about the novel I want to write and where I want this blog to go. More next time ….
Now I’m off to find out how everyone has managed without me.
A time to walk.
A time to talk.
A time to look.
A time to read a book.
A time to write.
A time to be bright.
A time to relax.
A time to make tracks.
A time to unwind.
A time undefined.
A time to think.
A time to drink.
A time to eat.
A time to treat
Yourself.
So, weāre off for a well-earned holiday. Well-earned by my better half, that is. Iām tagging along and looking forward to it. And while Iām away, I plan to think about what I want to write, where I want my life to go and how this blog is going to fit into that. Currently, Iām thinking of writing about things I havenāt mentioned up to now. Weāll see.
Tara for now!
The other day, I happened to follow a link to something on the CNN website: 43 weird things said in job interviews. I found the weird things very funny. Except for one of them. In answer to, āUse three adjectives to describe yourself,ā the interviewee said, āI hate questions like this.ā
I didnāt laugh at that one. I stared at the screen askance. Oh my God! Did I say that? Well, I might have done. But, if I said it, I didnāt mean, I hate you for asking that question. I meant, I hate having to answer that question, because I tend to underrate myself and because I canāt think straight atĀ interviews. The three adjectives that spring to mind now are: quiet, nervous and weird, although, given some more time, I could come up with intelligent, meticulous and friendly. At an interview, I probably wouldnāt be able to answer at all.
At this point, I could continue to talk about job interviews, or I could continue down a different path, and, as job interviews are not a happy topic as far as Iām concerned, Iāll move on to the other.
So, youāre talking to your mother-in-law and she complains about someone who was rude to her. Whatās your first thought? I know what mine is: Oh dear, maybe Iāve behaved in that way, too.
A colleague tells you heās just been dismissed. What do you think? I think: If heās going, surely theyāll get rid of me, too. Whatever heās done, I must have done.
Do you do that, too?
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