Help! I’m standing on the edge and afraid to take the plunge. And that’s because I can’t see what I would jump into. Is the water rough or calm? Maybe there’s no water at all and diving in would be my downfall.
Maybe I should stop playing with metaphors and come to a decision. The problem is twofold:
If people who only know me virtually get to know me from the outside – where I live, who I live with, what I do – will they still want to know me? I want to reach everyone, and especially anyone I can help. I wouldn’t want to put anyone off by bringing my outside in.
If people who only know me from the outside get to know my inside – my thoughts and how they impact on my behaviour – will they dismiss me as a weirdo? I don’t want to put them off either.
But I spent my childhood keeping the secrets I was told to keep. I don’t want secrets of my own. And I’ve spent my life longing to be understood. I can’t be understood if I don’t explain. I know that if my novel is published … when my novel is published … the publishing of my novel would/will make this happen anyway, but do I want it now? Isn’t it happening anyway, willy nilly? Is my only question whether to speed up the process?
Others have done it. Why not me?
4 replies on “Quandary”
I guess I’m in the fairly unusual position of knowing both the “inside” and “outside” you, so to me there isn’t that distinction. They’re both you, even if the outside isn’t a true reflection of the inside.
I think it can only be a positive thing to take opportunities to help others to integrate the two 🙂
And I’m in the same position as Gill though I suspect that the you that Gill knows and you that I know may be different but they’re both you. In the same way the inner and outer you are both you so don’t be afraid.
I scarcely know you at all. In my experience most people like real people and dislike perfect ones. But whether you are the real you or the one you think might be acceptable, some folks will like you and others won’t. Well, I know you know that on one level… We all reveal ourselves in ways we don’t realize. It is so cliche but you know–be happy with who you are. What else can you do? Turn in knots?
Sometimes I think it is impossible to understand anyone all the time, but we can love them anyway. I have friends who baffle me, but I love them. They are great, kind, insufferable, weird, brilliant, lovable at any given time. Give people credit for being able to like a complicated you. Hey, I’ve shared my weird novel with several people and whether or not they’ve ended up liking the novel they still like me. Go figure.
You’re right, of course. Although there are issues beyond anything I want to announce here.