Author, editor, attempter of this thing called life. Social anxiety warrior. Re-Connections, a collection of short stories, published with Ocelot Press, 15/10/2025.
*SOB* I didn’t win any chocolate in Nicola Morgan’s Hotel Chocolate Halloween Competition. This means that I have to disappoint the two people – Royal Holloway Girl and Gill – who were competing to be my nominee for the chocolate. Still, it also means that no one will fall out with me over this, and maybe they’ll find it in their hearts to love me anyway, despite my failure to assuage their cravings.
The winning stories are here.
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door
I always loved The Beatles. I grew up with them. But I didn’t think much about the words in those far-off days….
I’m on that road; we all are. But each of us has to get past different hurdles on the way. I’ve just passed one – not just by being acknowledged as a writer, although that’s a big enough hurdle in itself, but also by having my blog discovered by more people, including people who know me but don’t know me. That still frightens me, despite all the praise and encouragement I’ve received. But I know it’s what I want.
Many thanks to everyone who said they liked my story. It makes it all worth the effort.
Have you passed any big hurdles recently?
First times are special, aren’t they. You remember them all your life. I remember my first day at school, aged five years and one week, even though ten… twenty… thirty… many years have passed since then. I remember my first boyfriend, my first baby and many other firsts.
Yesterday is also a day I’ll remember. The first time a story of mine has been published: http://www.metazen.ca/?p=915. A humorous story highlighting a pitfall of social media. And while I don’t want to turn this blog into one that brags about my achievements, this is the first time and I’m basking in the glory.
I have been published for the first time at http://www.metazen.ca/?p=915.
I’ll write more about this tomorrow. For now, this is all I can manage.
DO NOT under any circumstances enter Nicola Morgan’s Hotel Chocolat Halloween Competition. I have submitted my two entries and I intend to win, so make sure you don’t click that link and, even if you do, don’t send any entries of your own.
Not that I can actually win the chocolate *sob*, because I’m not in the UK, but I can nominate someone who is and will love me forever more.
Remember: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
😉
The voice in my head shouts out loud,
But its sound isn’t heard by the rest of the crowd.
The voice in my head speaks in no tongue,
And yet its caustic words have stung.
The voice in my head says I’m stupid and dumb.
The voice in my head says I interest no one.
I try to tell it it’s got it all wrong,
But the voice in my head just sounds the gong.
“Go back,” it says, “and hide away.
Nobody wants to hear you today.”
Is it fear? Worry? Does it make you think of spiders? Constant worry over trivial matters? Or do you think it’s a lame excuse for people who are too lazy to get on with their lives?
I was amazed when I first saw it applied to me. What, me? Anxiety? No way! I’m not afraid of spiders, or flying. Not even of performing in front of an audience. I don’t worry that a disaster has befallen my loved ones when they still haven’t returned home.
The reason for my immediate denial of any connection with anxiety was probably the negative image of people who suffer from anxiety. They’re thought of as scaredy-cats, better to keep away from. It took me a while to accept that the word could apply to me, much longer to stop blaming myself for having “caused” a connection between myself and that dreaded word.
The fact is that anxiety is not something felt by a few people. It’s also not a term conjured up by the pharmaceutical companies to make money selling pills. Anxiety probably affects a lot more people than anyone realises. That’s because many are too afraid of being stigmatized to let on. And because many sufferers don’t even know they have it.
And people who have it are not cowards. In fact, those who are dealing with their problems are very brave to start and persist with a probably long and difficult process.
Somehow, the negative view of anxiety and those affected by it has to be turned around. Too many people are being ignored when they need help. Too many people are suffering needlessly. That’s why I need to explain. I just don’t know if anyone understands….
I was never good at keeping things in. I did it too much and ended up hiding my personality – even to myself. Even this blog has been suffering from that disease. So now, all is revealed (well, maybe not quite all) in my guest post on place and writing that the lovely Tania Hershman kindly agreed to host on her blog.
Now that it’s all out, I need to add to my About Me page. In the meantime, I will say this: even though I live where I live, I will never intentionally blog about politics. Many people do this, some exceptionally well. I have another mission.
What, both? How is that possible? If it toughens you, doesn’t that set you up for life rather than ruining it for you? Well, yes. That’s probably true. The fact is that bullying doesn’t affect everyone in the same way and that’s probably because of the different ways we react to it.
So if a group of other children laugh at you and say, “You’ve got your shirt on inside out,” do you say, “That’s OK, I like it that way.”? Do you cry? Or do you keep quiet? I chose the third way, keeping my feelings locked inside and making them think I didn’t have any.
When people have said that they were also bullied and the experience made them stronger, I used to blame myself. I thought it must be my fault that it didn’t have that effect on me. Now I think: Good for you! But how does that relate to me? How could I have known, as a child, that I should have reacted in a different way?
All roads lead to Rome, and, no matter which I follow, I always come to the same conclusion: it’s up to adults to provide guidance. Parents, teachers, whoever comes into contact with the child. Because children are not mature enough to understand the consequences of their actions.
PS My life wasn’t ruined – just spoilt.
Yes, I know. I started something last time and I have to finish it. But in the
meantime….
Facebook quizzes. A bit of fun. You answer the questions, publish the result with some witty comment and might spark a few replies.
So my Facebook friend, Kim, took the quiz: “What mental disorder are you?” and got the result: “kleptomania.” She thought that was funny and so did I. I liked the alliteration, too. So I took the quiz and got:
Miriam completed the quiz “What mental disorder are you?” with the result Social Anxiety Disorder.
You do not like being with people. They make you nervous. It is much easier to relate to them on Facebook, where you can stalk them without them seeing you.
Somehow, I didn’t find that funny, so I didn’t post it on Facebook. Most of it is too true. But, I do like being with people. And I don’t stalk people. Or do I? Maybe, if I don’t say anything it seems that way. It’s not what I intend, but could be how it appears.
Which leads to a lot of questions. Do you like Facebook quizzes? Do you take jokes too seriously? Do I stalk you? What mental disorder are you? And more….
Miriam Drori, Author