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Gill Downs: A Tribute

For a long time, Gill and I emailed each other practically every day.

Gill Downs. 1st February 1953 – 18th November 2020

The six days that have passed since I heard the sad news of Gill’s passing haven’t made this any easier to grasp. The suddenness has made it difficult for everyone, especially for her family. No one expected this.

I first met Gillian at school. She was in my year, but never in my class, and I remember her mostly from the coach that took us to kosher dinners and back. Probably most of the girls who went didn’t eat kosher at home, but their parents saw it as a way for them to meet other Jews.

Gill was much more sophisticated than me, more knowledgeable about things outside school. I was younger than most of them and young for my age and, like all the girls I hung around with, she bullied me. I never called it bullying then. Bullying, I thought then but don’t think now, had to be physical. I called it teasing. It wasn’t pleasant. And yet, despite the way they treated me, I continued to hang around with them, every day, there and back and while we ate our kosher meals. Why? Because the alternative would have been to be on my own, and I knew that would be worse.

No one in that group of girls was the highest in the bullying ranking. There were a couple of others – one in particular – who won that title. And Gill, I remember, even agreed to sit next to me when I found myself in the same Maths class as her.

Eventually, school fizzled out. I left with pleasure and a vow never to be in contact with any of the girls from school again. Fortunately, university was much better. But my experiences of school, and childhood in general, continued to have an effect on me as a person. I often kept quiet and when I did talk, I found self-expression difficult and sounded hesitant.

I moved countries, got married, had three children. I worked as a computer programmer and then as a technical writer. My life was good but the problems didn’t go away.

In 2002, I added myself to the list for my school on Friends Reunited (a forerunner to Facebook). Never did I expect anyone would contact me, but they did – first Jane and then Gill. For a long time, Gill and I emailed each other practically every day. It was the perfect medium for me. It gave me time to consider my words, yet provided an immediacy that letters never could. I poured out my problems and thoughts, and she listened and reacted, showing that she understood. She gave advice and eventually told me about social anxiety. It was hard for me to believe that anyone else in the world could have similar problems, so it was most surprising to discover the name, support groups and therapy.

Gill and Miriam, May 2009

One thing that bothered me was that Gill continued to feel guilty for what she did to me as a child. (She had a different word for it: victimisation.) I tried to make her see that she was too young and immature to know what she was doing to me then. I said any blame should be laid on the adults in our lives – mostly the teachers, and perhaps even that isn’t fair because they didn’t know, either.

Without Gill, I’d have remained the same person, quiet and closed to the world. Probably, many people I meet still see me that way. But, through Gill, I’ve learned to write down my thoughts. Without her, I would never have become an author.

It’s hard to believe that I can no longer reach Gill by any means, technological or otherwise. For her, I’m glad, at least, that decades of enduring pain and disability ended so suddenly. For her family, the suddenness has added to their grief and for that I’m very sorry.

I’ll never forget Gill and all she did for me these past eighteen years. Yehi zichra baruch – may her memory be a blessing.

By Miriam Drori

Author, editor, attempter of this thing called life.

7 replies on “Gill Downs: A Tribute”

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt tribute. My condolences to you, her family, and those who will miss her.

Isn’t it interesting who can play different roles at different parts of our lives?

What a wonderful and heartfelt tribute. I am so glad to read that, over the years, you were able to share many of these thoughts and conclusions as well as your appreciation for Gillian with her. Although I lost contact with most of the Copthallers once I left for Canada, when I returned to England for the réunion some 10 (?) years ago Gillian was so warm and welcoming and made me feel the trip was not for naught. So sad for her family and friends to have lost her presence in their lives.

Thank you, Miriam for sharing this from your heart. I knew that you and Gill had a close relationship, and I am glad that she supported you, and that you were able to master your talent for writing and creativity. In fact, Gill also developed her own way of expressing her creativity through her beautiful and colourful fractual cards – which she sent out as Christmas greetings every year – I’ve got quite a few ! Lol

Life always seems different in retrospect when we can see things more objectively – and when we’re older. I guess that’s what age and experience does for us. It’s very strange that you were the one to be bullied at school – by a small group of ignorant girls – it should never have been that way, of course.

And very interesting that it was Gill who addressed the problem, and in doing so, found an equilibrium for both of you. Yes, Gill was a great ‘agony aunt’, and gave me some quite perceptive advice. She has been a friend of mine for the past 50 odd years, and I think I speak for us all, when I say that I will miss her greatly. Gill was a friend at the end of the line, always a good listener. I’m glad that her children have become the adults that they are – they are a credit to her, and to Mick.

As a family they have been generous in friendship, and generous in sharing. I knew her mother, and father, David, her husband Mick, Winter and Nathan. Other serious memories are of Gill, the rebel, the Saturday nights at ‘Implosion” at the Round House, Chalk Farm,
paint the light fantastic, and our assortment of local friends, including Hilary, Viv, and Michele.
Those were the years of the late 60s – hippies, Camden Lock, folk clubs and Led Zepplin – I believe that she is ‘climbing the stairway to heaven’, spiritually intact.

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