Category: Social anxiety

Choice

Choice. Do we have it? Do we want it?

This morning, D had to leave home early and I chose not to get up early, too, and join him for breakfast. For my lone breakfast, I chose not to have my usual toast and coffee, and just to have muesli. Later, feeling cold as I sat at my computer, I chose to go outside and sit in the warm sun. I could have chosen to put on more clothes to get warm, but I didn’t. Even when the sun hid behind a cloud and I felt cold again, I chose to wait for it to come out again and warm me up.

Life is a series of choices, some harder to make than others. I often find it harder to make choices than I ought to because, subconsciously, I start to wonder what’s expected of me, or what a normal choice might be, or what someone else would like me to choose, rather than simply what I want. I couldn’t have said at the time, for instance, why I hesitated so much when someone said, “Breakfast will be later; do you want a cup of coffee now?” Later, I worked out why. It was because I was thinking: No, I don’t want coffee but am I expected to want coffee? Would it be the normal thing to want coffee before breakfast?

I was just pondering this thing called choice today when I read David Rory O’Neill’s current blog post, in which he asks, “Why do people choose to live here?” He’s talking about New York, a place that’s fascinating to visit but wouldn’t be my first choice of a home town either. In fact, I remember wondering the same thing decades ago when I visited New York in the middle of winter at -19°C. Fortunately, we’re not all the same and a lot of people choose to live in New York – otherwise it wouldn’t be there to visit.

Choosing where to live is usually a big decision. I made that choice long ago and am very pleased with what I decided. I also chose whom to marry and, as we’ve been together for donkey’s years and still get on well, that was definitely a good choice.

I’ve made bad choices, too, including one that I believe led to me getting social anxiety. But I want to stress that I didn’t know one would lead to the other. In fact, as I’ve said before and will say again:

No one chooses to have social anxiety.

Today I also discovered the lyrics of a song I’ve probably never heard: Freedom Of Choice by Devo. The song ends:

Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom from choice
Is what you want

Do you want freedom from choice? Do I? Do we? I wonder.

Tags David Rory O'Neill, home, New York

Social anxiety

Let’s all have social anxiety

Post author By Miriam Drori
Post date Jan 13, 2014
8 Comments on Let’s all have social anxiety

One of the words I found hard to get used to when I moved to Israel was “angina.” People used it to describe a trivial illness when I thought it should mean a very serious illness. I felt that by using that word to describe their trivial illness they were making light of the serious illness or giving too much weight to their own illness.

I could have looked up the word, of course. Not online, because online didn’t exist then, but in a dictionary. Looking it up now, I see there are two meanings. One is the meaning I knew: severe chest pain arising from inadequate blood supply to the heart. The other meaning is: a sore throat. So I was right and so were they.

It is said – and, I think, probably true – that too many children these days are being diagnosed with ADHD and given drugs to counteract it. Catdownunder wrote about this the other day. Apart from stopping healthily active children from learning to cope with what they are, it seems to me that, in the eyes of the public, it lessens the seriousness of ADHD in children who have it badly and probably takes resources away from those who really need them.

Let’s turn to social anxiety and what Rachael wrote in a comment here a week or so ago:

I was at a party recently and when a girl (of about 20) was asked to get up and speak, she commented ‘this is terrible for my social anxiety’ and was pleased to explain when someone asked her about it… However, her explanation sounded more like she was mildly embarrassed by being asked to stand and talk in front of a crowd than real social anxiety. Of course I don’t know what’s happening inside her head and should not make any assumptions but it got me thinking and I have noticed that among some of the younger generation it does seem to have become a bit ‘fashionable’ to say they have social anxiety. I’d love to know your thoughts on this.

My first thought was that this is wrong. That if every other person claims to have social anxiety, this will detract from the attention that needs to be given to those who really have it. In other words, I was comparing it to the ADHD issue I mentioned above.

My second thought was that these social anxiety claimers are probably right. Most people have some form of anxiety in certain social situations. Not all social anxiety is chronic and disabling. When it is, it’s called social anxiety disorder.

So maybe it’s more like the angina definition. Maybe social anxiety means more than one thing. Maybe when I refer to what I mean by it, I should say social anxiety disorder. But that’s a bit long and its acronym makes me sound pathetic.

If I had the chance, would I try to stop people from using the term social anxiety to describe a mild fear of talking to an audience? I think I would. But I can’t, just as I can’t prevent readers of a book like The Mill River Recluse from getting a rather warped impression of social anxiety.

All I can do is to explain my version of social anxiety and how it affects people like me who neither have a mild fear of presenting but are fine in most other social situations, nor are recluses.

Tags ADHD, angina, audience, recluse, SAD

Blogging Books Social anxiety

One one fourteen

I realised what I want from 2014 when I commented on Annalisa’s blog: “I had fun in 2013. I want 2014 to be fun, too, but more productive and fulfilling. I want to push myself more.”

Last night I had more fun when we welcomed 2014 with a little celebration at folk dancing. The January New Year in Israel is always a bit subdued compared to many other parts of the world. Although we know it’s not religious, there’s a feeling that this holiday isn’t really ours. “Happy New Year” refers to a different time and today is a normal working day.

Before that I made a decision about the 100k in 100 days challenge. I’m going to do it. I’m going to write lots of blog posts and stories and more and hope to reach the target. I succeeded at NaNoWriMo in November, so there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to do this.

The only problem is that I haven’t done enough planning and will have to decide what to write as I go along. Any suggestions will be gratefully received.

One of the ways I think I should push myself is by blogging more about social anxiety and how it comes into play in everything I do. Because not mentioning it is like trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, which I did for much too long. I started writing in order to raise awareness of social anxiety and I need to carry on doing that.

So that’s what my ‘Fourteen will be about: Fun, Fulfilment and Forcing myself to cross new boundaries.

What will your 2014 be about?

Tags 100k in 100 days, 2014, folk dancing, nanowrimo, New Year

Holidays Reunions Social anxiety

The Social Sandwich, Part 4

Post author By Miriam Drori
Post date Sep 2, 2013
No Comments on The Social Sandwich, Part 4

This is the fourth in a series of posts describing my recent trip to England, Ireland, the Netherlands and Wales, from writing course to school reunion and more.

A free day! I didn’t have many of those on this trip. In the morning I went to “Ripping Yarns” bookshop, which I’d heard about through Jen Campbell (who works there) and Catdownunder.

Unfortunately, Jen wasn’t there that day. In fact I was lucky anyone was there because I’d forgotten the shop wasn’t supposed to be open that day. It’s a fascinating shop and well worth a visit if you’re near Highgate Station. I’d have loved to have bought up the whole shop, but I made do with a signed copy of Jen’s book: Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops.

Later, I went to sit in Hampstead Heath with an ice cream in the continuing heatwave. I sought out the shade, but I noticed a lot of people sitting under the burning sun. I also noticed a lack of sun hats. Mad dogs and Englishmen?

The next day, I took a train and a bus to the Hilton in Watford, so I can say I didn’t go north of Watford on this trip. I’d recently discovered that my A level Applied Maths teacher attends the swimming club there along with her husband, and they invited me to meet them there. They even invited me to breakfast with them afterwards, but I had to refuse because of a prior engagement.

She and I had a very pleasant conversation until near the end when, as old people sometimes do, she said something that upset me, so although they were both very nice, I was glad I wasn’t able to take up their invitation.

From there I went straight to King’s Cross where I met Jean Davison and her husband, Ian, for the first time. We ate in Pizza Express and visited the very interesting Propaganda exhibition in the British Library. In both of those places, the air conditioning was turned up too high, but it made a pleasant change from the heat outside and in the Underground. Afterwards we had tea outside.

With Jean Davison outside the British Museum — With Jean Davison outside the British Library

Ian surprised me by sprouting some expressions in Hebrew. He’d spent two years on a kibbutz some years ago and had remembered them.

A lot of the conversation centred on social anxiety. Jean had always thought of herself as shy until she read about social anxiety on my blog and realised that it describes her much better than “shyness.” In fact, during our conversation, we discovered that she and I have a lot in common.

I enjoyed my afternoon with Jean and Ian very much. I’m so glad we finally met, and hope we can meet again in the near future.

Tags British Library, getting burnt, Jean Davison, Jen Campbell, Ripping Yarns, Watford, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

Holidays Social anxiety

Loving being back and being awarded

Post author By Miriam Drori
Post date Aug 8, 2013
3 Comments on Loving being back and being awarded

I have a lot to say about this past month. Only trouble is, I don’t know what it’s going to be. So many new and exciting experiences, so many lovely people. I need to organise my thoughts before I start.

In the meantime, I must respond to the award that Rachael was kind enough to bestow on me:

Rachael, who will also appear at the beginning of my account of the past month, has asked me five questions. Let’s see if I can answer them, despite a dire lack of sleep.

1. What motivates you to write? I started writing because I wanted to raise awareness of social anxiety, and I realised that writing was the way I could do that. I haven’t let go of that goal and it’s still a big motivation, but now other things spur me on, too. I enjoy writing and look forward to putting pen to paper, especially when I do that literally, away from the computer. And belonging to a writing group means that I have to produce work to submit to the group. The comments from the group also keep me on the writing path.

2. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? Well, it’s not skydiving or bungee jumping because I haven’t done those. I don’t think it’s any ride at a funfair. Judging by anxiety levels, I think it could be a job interview – the one in which I had to face five interviewers a once.

3. What’s the best advice (about writing, or life in general) you’ve ever received? This might be the best. It’s been said by many people in many different ways and applies to writing and life in general. Don’t wait for something to happen; make it happen.

4. How would you like to be remembered? That’s easy. As someone who raised awareness of social anxiety.

5. What’s your favourite line (this can be from a poem, a book, or it could be a quote you like)? Possibly this: “A cage went in search of a bird.” It’s by Kafka, but seeing that quote hasn’t encouraged me to read any of his work.

How did I do? I’m surprised I managed to write anything in this state.

Back soon with my account of an exciting month – after catching up on some of the blogs I’ve missed.

Tags Liebster Award, motivation

Social anxiety

“It’s His Choice”

I’m going to tell you about someone I haven’t seen for a few years. I sincerely hope he’s all right and in a better place than he was when I knew him. I’ll call him A.

One of the strange things about attending a large dancing group is that you can know people very well by sight and have no idea what they’re like. Often, you don’t even know what their voices sound like.

A stuck out. He was tall and usually danced at the centre in circle dances. I was in awe of him because he knew all the dances so well. One thing I noticed about him was that he danced in a lazy sort of way, not moving his body as much as he could.

Then there was a trip. This isn’t usual, but there were reasons I won’t go into why any of the dancers who wanted could join this free trip to a water park. In the coach on the way back, the instructor discovered I came from England and he introduced me to A who also came from England.

In answer to my questions, A told me which town he come from and what he did for a living. Each of his responses consisted of one word and he didn’t ask me anything. I said, “You know all the dances really well,” to which he replied, “Yes.” And I, being me, soon ran out of questions and decided he didn’t want to talk to me at all.

After that, when I saw him at a dancing session, we exchanged hellos and nothing else. But I took more notice of him. He didn’t talk much to anyone, but I noticed he often gave a lift home to one girl.

One time I saw the girl outside the hall and asked her if she was able to talk to A on the way home.

“He doesn’t talk,” she said. “But I keep talking and telling him about myself. I don’t know if he’s interested or not.” Maybe it was the look on my face that caused her to add, “You don’t have to feel sorry for him. It’s his own choice whether to talk or not.”

I was so shocked by her opinion that I didn’t respond. I should have said, “I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone chooses to be like that permanently.”

Maybe, like me, he chose to keep quiet for a while, to avoid being bullied, and wasn’t able to resume talking after the threat had passed. Maybe he was always shy. But to choose to live like that? I don’t think so. And it upsets me to think that’s what others think of people who don’t open up.

A stopped going to folk dancing. I think about him sometimes and wonder how he is. I hope he’s all right.

Tags choice, keeping quiet, what others think

Blogging Social anxiety

Happy Birthday!

I’m popping out of hibernation just to say it’s my blog birthday today.

This was my first post:

Speech is silver, silence is…

…not golden. Just a fake gold that soon dulls. Like the necklace I bought in Cyprus. They told me it was gold. I knew they were lying, but I bought it anyway. I felt I had to buy something because they gave me tea….

I’ve been keeping silent for most of my life. It’s time to talk.

And I’ve been talking for four years. Thank you so much for listening and encouraging me to continue.

Tags blog birthday, Cyprus, gold, silence, silver, speech, talking

Books Social anxiety

Book Review: The Mill River Recluse

Post author By Miriam Drori
Post date Mar 3, 2013
2 Comments on Book Review: The Mill River Recluse

The Mill River Recluse by Darcie Chan.

This book was recommended to me by my friend, Marallyn. She was in my previous writing group. Whenever I submitted yet another poor attempt to write about social anxiety, she said, “You must read The Mill River Recluse. That’s the way to write about social anxiety.” I’ve also seen the book praised elsewhere.

It’s a lovely, well-told story. It certainly kept me turning the pages. The story is believable, has believable characters and deserves to be read.

However, I do have some reservations about it. Mary, the recluse, has social anxiety. The reason for this is mentioned three times in the book (which I thought a bit excessive) and relates to one terrible incident that occurred when she was sixteen. She mentions that she was always shy, but I still think this is too easy. One incident, however bad, doesn’t cause social anxiety on its own. There has to be a lot more than that. I would have liked to have heard much more about Mary’s childhood and what led to her condition.

The consequence of Mary’s anxiety – becoming a recluse seen generally by only one other person and later by two others – is a very extreme outcome of social anxiety. This is mentioned in the book by a professional who meets her and says, “I’ve never seen such an extreme case of social anxiety.” Most people with social anxiety don’t keep themselves completely hidden in that way. They force themselves to get out and function in society however much of a struggle that is. I think someone who reads of an extreme case like this could make light of the effort made by someone who appears to function fairly normally.

That said, this book is still a lovely read.

Tags Darcie Chan, recluse, writing about social anxiety

Books Bullying Social anxiety

Why can’t you forget and move on? (part 2)

Post author By Miriam Drori
Post date Mar 1, 2013
10 Comments on Why can’t you forget and move on? (part 2)

Yesterday I began to write my reasons why I no longer want to hide my past, and how I should answer a writing colleague who wonders why. He deserves an answer; as well as asking me to my face, he wrote the question on his critique of my personal essay: “Why can’t the writer just MOVE ON and forget about all these injustices which are way gone?”

Interestingly, the same man also wrote, “I learned a lot about this social anxiety problem,” and he told us he’d looked up the term.

In the excellent post I mentioned yesterday, Joe Warnimont also wrote:

It’s when we forget to listen to stories of misfortune, the same events happen over and over again.

In writing, we need to consider what readers can gain. The rest of my reasons for writing about my past are for the readers:

I want to help readers to understand me and the many others like me. I want to clear up the misconceptions: that we’re stuck up, don’t want to talk, etc.
I hope, like my writing colleague, readers will learn about social anxiety, which is much more common than most people think.
I hope readers will learn about bullying and what it can do to the one on the receiving end of it.

If my writing could also lead to help for those who are suffering now, that would be the best reason of all.

I didn’t gain anything through all the years I tried to forget what happened. As Angela Brown said in her comment on my post from yesterday:

Forgive, forget, move on. Easier said than done because, in more instances observed, moving on doesn’t come from forgetting, it comes from the growth learned and earned from experiences.

Remembering is much healthier, if done in the right way. I don’t write about the past to perpetuate some feeling of victimhood. I’m not stuck in the past. My essay ends on a positive note with my hopes for the future. Looking back has helped me to look forward to something better.

Tags Angela Brown, Joe Warnimont, optimism, personal essay, understanding